To Kiss your sleeping Face
by InorganicAngel
Summary: Warning: yaoi, incest (TK/Matt) Takeru is dealing with a forbidden love, his wish to be simple normal, hopes and dreams and tries to get something that should not be. (-_- I suck at summaries...R/R please)
1. Default Chapter

To kiss your sleeping face

A/N: Well, hi!

I am Rociel and kinda new in the Digimonfandom, acctually this is only the second fic I have written so far for the serie and the first one I am posting on FF-Net. ^^;; So please be nice to it, nee? ...Even if this thing is so sick that it probably doesn´t deserve to be treated nice, heck, I am going to be flamed for this, I am sure of that. What a start...

Anyway, why is this fic so sick? Because it is Taketo (or Takemato or whatever that weird namecombination is...Takeru/Yamato coupling :p~~), which means incest. If this isn´t your cup of tea just LEAVE, don´t leave some stupid flame like "You are sick!!"-I know that myself- or "You stupid fuck! How could you blablabla....", that is simple childish. I wont take flames for the coupling (even if I am sure I will get some). If you want to critizes me, please do it, but do it like an adult.

There is mostlikely also going to be Taito in future chapters (if someone even wants me to continue this), any other couples are open to suggestion.

To Kiss your sleeping Face...

Love... love is a strange thing indeed.

You can not control it, can´t grasp and hold on to it or make it stop, as much as you may want.

Believe me, I know what I am talking about. Loving, without understanding why it just happened to be that person (well, I could tell you a thousand reasons why I am in love, but not why it happened), loving with all my heart even if it tears me apart inside, loving even if I know that it is wrong.

Loving what I am forbidden to long for.

Yes, it is a same sex love, but believe me that isn´t the problem.

What is it than? You may think it can´t come more complicated, more forbidden in a society that wont accept it. Do you think I would tear myself apart only because I am afraid of what my family, my friends, my surroundings will think of me when they find out that I am gay?

I don´t care about that...if it were only that.

If I were only in love with a boy.

I could deal with that, telling my family that I am gay or bi.

I would, but that problem is so much more.

If I go to them, tell them that I am not in love with a girl, not in love with the one they expected me to fall for, I would have to tell them who holds my fancy. They would bug me until I tell them, they would want to meet him, but they know him already.

No parent on this world can be so open minded to accept all of what my love means.

I can´t accept it myself, deny it and push it back, try to bury the feelings deep down in my heart.

It does not work.

I just have to see him, hear his voice, sweet and gentle, and the walls that I erected start to crumble. One of his rare smiles, a laughter clear like silver bells and they fall.

And I find myself loving him even more.

It is a damned love, one that simple can not find a happy ending.

I know it...but can´t stop hoping.

Hoping, that maybe there is a way, that there is a possibility that I can be with him.

Hoping, that may he loves me too.

Hoping, that even if there is no one else for us left to go to, who will spend us comfort, that we will be there for each other. He has always been there before for me, hoping that he wont leave me now.

Hoping even if there is no hope left.

I search for a way, search for a way to justify and make my love for him possible.

Even if I grasp for straws.

It can´t go one like that.

I am slowly going insane.

I try to push him away, just to find myself seeking him out the next moment, try to find myself someone else to love, but I just start comparing them to him.

I have to do something.

"Takeru! Where are you going?"

The blond turned, eyes capturing the ones of the girl who had called after him, standing before the school doors, the faint breeze playing with auburn strands, that were normally kept neatly.

"To the city hall! Sorry Kari, I can´t bring you home today! I will make it up somehow!"

He called back to her, while keeping on walking, a smile brightening his face, that was reflected on hers, even if she worried silently. 

Why was he going to the city hall?

Pieces of paper fluttered in the air, dancing in the wind, some being carried higher and higher in the air, some falling, landing on dark blue water and floated on, white specs on small waves.

His eyes followed them unseeing, his hands resting on the railing of the bridge, folded, his head supported on them, fingers still clutching pieces of the torn paper.

It would have been too easy like this.

And he had known after all...but nonetheless he felt depressed.

If they weren´t...he could have found the courage to tell him.

But there it stood.

Black on white, written down in the family register.

Related by blood, the same mother, the same father.

Brothers.

They were brothers, not even half-brothers, and his love could never be accepted, never...

"FUCK!!!!"

The word seemed strange coming over his lips, he normally didn´t cuss.

Well, normally one did not lust after his older brother.

Dumping the remains of the paper on the ground, Takeru walked on, not knowing exactly where his feet led him.

He should have known better than to go and get the family register, to see the truth clearly before himself. If he hadn´t, he could have still clung to the believe that they were only half brothers, which would have given him some room.

But now, it was just painfully obvious that he was a sick pervert.

A sick little boy in love with his beautiful brother.

Sometimes, when we sit together like this, joking around, watching TV or simple enjoying each others company, I start to wonder, when he turned to something more than my brother in my heart. When I stopped adoring and worshipping him as my idol, as someone who I wanted to resemble, who I looked up, and started to love Yamato in a way I shouldn´t.

Yamato, Yama or Matt, no longer can I call him brother. I simple can´t. 

Not while I yearn to kiss him, want to hold him and touch him. Not when I sit next to him and notice those little things, like the way his breath comes over his slightly open lips, moistening the pale pink flesh, or how his lashes draw shadows over crystal clear eyes and how they rest on his white cheeks when he closes them.

I can´t call him brother when I dream of him at night.

When did it al change?

I can´t pinpoint the moment, when this all became so complicated. It suddenly was there, I suddenly became aware of Yamato. 

I tried to convince myself that it was puberty, that it were my hormones running rampant or something like that. No such luck...

I kept myself apart for him, but I am like the moth drawn to the flame, one of many that fell victim to Matts spell. 

I just hope, hope that somehow this all will work out.

I don´t want to risk loosing him, I want him to be happy and I can´t make him happy, if I tell him. I have to be content as it is...but it hurts more than I can bear to think of him with someone different than me.

A/N: Part one done...oh my, I barely dare say: Please, comments, critiscm and reviews are welcome. If I continue this depends on feedback.


	2. The point of no Return

kiss2 A/N: O.o...I got positive feedback...Wow...You see me stunned. Thanks to everybody who reviewed on part one *hug* *cuddle*, I never thought that this thing would be so well received. ;) And Nyako, plllllleeeeeeeeeaaaaassssseeeee, sent Rosiel-sama after me nonetheless, I loooo~ooove that self-centred bastard! *g* And sorry for mistakes, my first language isn't english and I don't have a beta-reader. ^^;; Disclaimers: *cough* I think I forgot them in the first part...Anyway, Digimon does not belong to me, I own nothing it...if I did the series wouldn't be a kids series, Sorato wouldn't exist and the last episode would be nothing more than a nightmare. Pairings: Takeru/Yamato, Taito (at the moment) Bewitching...I can't describe it any other way, and even that does not capture it right. To see him on stage...it is like watching a beautiful force of nature. When he starts he is unstoppable, nothing that can bring him back. He is in his own world and he draws everyone who is listening with him, with every word he sings, every little gesture he makes, he weaves a spell one can not break. And I let myself be swept away happily, drowning, just one among the crowds of cheering fans. Among them, I am not Takeru, brother of Yamato, but just a nameless face, cheering and clapping. Up on stage, he is so beautiful, the lights bleaching his hair to a nearly white colour, normally pale cheeks flushed red, blue eyes bright under lids half closed, sweat trickling down his face and sparkling like crystals when the light gets caught in them. He seldom shows so much passion anywhere else, puts his hole heart into it and shows his emotions so clearly. When I watch him perform ... those are the moments it is the hardest to keep everything bottled up inside, when I hear him sing ... Damn, I am sounding like some crazy fanboy. I really don't want this...feelings. If it were only emotions, just the things I feel in my heart, I may could bear it, somehow...to worship him from afar. If I were only a fanboy, I may would yearn for him like I am now, would love him in my heart, never to be able to touch, but never knowing what I am missing. But I know what I miss, know that feel of silky lips against my skin, how it is to lie in his arms, how they seem so fragile, but are so much stronger than one would think, the feel of long, slender fingers, callused from playing the guitar, stroking through my hair and how his voice sounds after the concert, rough and husky from the singing. Just innocent gestures, nothing more, if anybody else sees them, nothing more than a show of affection between brothers, a kiss against my forehead before sending me on my way, a friendly hug, lifting me from the ground and twirling me around, petting me and cheering me up when I am down or in need of comfort. Innocent, he does not know what he does put me through. Sweet torture. Being able to touch, but not the way I want to. It is one of the things that hurt the most. To be so close, but so far away at the same time. Always have to hold myself together, hiding what his touch does to me. How they feed this fire inside of me... Every touch more than necessary lets my heart flutter, every kind word and show of affection lets warmth surge through me. Like a drug...is that what Yamato has become for me? An addiction... __You have come here In pursuit of your deepest urge In pursuit of that wish Which till now has been silent Silent The lyrics of the last song for tonight floated in the air, sweet and clear, but with a deeper under tone, seducing with words. For those that had heard the original before, it may sounded strange. E-guitar instead of violins and keyboard took the place of the organ, but beautiful nonetheless. The only light now, one single spot, hitting the blond on the stage, standing before the microphone, with closed eyes, for once without his instrument. His hair was in disarray, strands falling into his face, sticking to sweaty skin, fine brows drawn together in concentration. He licked the sweat off his lips, nervousness, even something like stage fright soaring in his veins as he waited for his cue to join in the song again.  It wasn't a song he normally sang, not even one he had written. Takeru had come to him, a month, maybe a bit longer, ago, with this lyrics, asking him to sing them at his next concert.  It was a beautiful song, full of longing and want. "Past the point of no return", that was the title if he remembered right, it was out of an musical. From where Takeru got it he did not know, nor did he know why his brother wanted him to sing exactly that song. The kid had been so shy as he asked him, stuttering, trying to somehow avoid answering. He had blushed, turning away from Matt and muttered something like, if he did not want to, he did not have to. The blond singer had laughed at his little brother, grabbed him in a headlock and ruffled the others hair. I have brought you That our passions May fuse and merge – In your mind You've already Succumbed to me Dropped all defences Completely succumbed to me – Now you are here with me No second thoughts You've decided Decided... His eyes opened, his gaze wandering over the crowd, lighters held in the air, swaying with the music, illuminating the faces of girls, some in tears, the colour of amber in the light of the flames, others trying to sing along, even if they did not know the lyrics. But in all those faces was adoration, joy to be here. And he felt joy himself, never would he have thought he would make it this far. They weren't really famous, which was partly Matts fault, who was too much of an realist to think he could live from his music for the rest of his life and still put education before his career. But they could make it, one day...it was a strange feeling, to know that fame, that a life as star was within his reach, not just a wish or an illusion. Every time he stood on the stage was still like a dream come true. And he was afraid to wake. But at least, he did not dream alone. His gaze fixed on two figures in the first row, and a smile curved his lips upwards. His brother and his best friend, always there, always cheering him on and encouraging him to follow his dreams. Hope and courage, constants in his life, lending their strength to him. If he had no trust in anything else, he knew he could rely on those two, to always be there. Past the point  Of no return No backward glances The games we've played Till now are at An end Past all thought Of if and when - No use resisting Abandon thought And let the dream Descend...  Past the point of no return...I have passed my point a long time ago, but still I look back, to afraid to look into the future and at the same time... Damn, I can't help myself but hope. Hearing him sing that song, is like an invitation. If he knows what I mean with it, why I picked it? Probably not, even if I wished he would pick up on it. See what it is in me, understand me. But I can't hope for understanding, that would be too much. That would be a wonder in itself. For the first time I am alone in something, caught in a web and tangled. And this time there is no Matt who will pull me out of my trouble, who will lend me a helping hand, who will save me. Because he is the web I am tangled in. And it seems, I am not the only one bound and caught by him. He is so easy to love, to fall for. Beautiful, kind, helpful, funny to be with ... and god damn obvious to every advance! Even a blind should have noticed by now, the way Taichi looks at him, how he acts and speaks different with Yamato than with everybody else, how he is always around him... But I can't be jealous, for in his eyes there is the same look I see everyday in the mirror. A love that hurts the heart, hoping even if one knows it is useless. The same bitter smile on his lips as he watches Yamato sing on stage. We are kindred souls in this hopeless love. But I am afraid he will succeed, afraid that I will loose Yamato to him. That he will find the courage to tell Matt, to ask if there is a chance for him. He has the courage to risk it, has it, where I have only hope.  Or if it isn't him, someone else will win Yamas heart. Somebody will steal him away from me one day, one day he will fall in love with somebody and it will not be me. What then ... I do not know if I could bear it, but what else could I do, but try to accept? It isn't as if I could lay claim to him... I...I can't even think about it... Heh...my life has transformed into a second class soap opera, something out of a shoujo manga, but I fear there wont be some angels or demons to save me or make it possible for me to be with my love.  There is nobody that could help me, no one I could have confidence in to trust with my secret. People always think I have got so many friends, but in the end there is none I could talk to.  Kari? Please...do you think I have got a suicide wish? Everybody thinks I am in love with her, that we two are meant to be. How cute we are together and how sweet it all is...We fit so nice, like we were made for each other. I even think she started to believe it... I like her, I really do, she is my best friend, a cute and nice girl. I couldn't hurt her like that (beside, she would probably hurt me bad afterwards, she is pretty strong...), how would you like it if the one who was supposed to be in love with you, tells you that he is in love, not only with someone of the same gender, but also his brother and asks you for your help? Daisuke, Miyako and Iori...we are friends, but I am not that close to them. I never really built a bond to the new digidestined...I always think of myself as a part of the old group and that probably keeps me apart from the others.  Ken would probably listen to me, maybe wouldn't even judge me for my love. If there is anybody out there who knows how it is to live with a brother problem it is Ken, but ... I can't go to him... I guess I am making it even more complicated for myself with all those ifs and when. Past the point  Of no return The final threshold – What warm Unspoken secrets Will we learn Beyond the point  Of no return ... The only light in the room came from the television, a faint blue glow that seemed to darken the room instead of brighten it. The TV was muted, the two people in the room not paying attention to the late night re-runs, but talking silently with each other. The older of the two lay on the couch, feet dangling over the armrest and head resting on his folded arms, sometimes his lids would drop, sleep fighting to take his conscious over, but he always forced himself to stay awake, to keep listing to his younger brother, who sat on the chair next to him. "Why didn't you accept Tai´s offer?" "Because I promised you to spend the day together." "If ya want to go with Taichi I wo..." "Baka! I want to spend time with you. You're my lil bro and best friend after all." "Best friend...but I thought Tai is your best friend?" Wonder was evident in the younger boys voice, baby blue eyes widening as he looked at his brother in the semidarkness. "No. He isn't my best friend. He is a good one, I like spending time with him. But...one shouldn't have secrets before his best friend, you should be able to trust him completely.  I can't tell Tai everything. Not because I don't trust him or that I would fear he would tell everybody, but because of my own cowardice. But there are no secrets between us. I can tell ya everything." A yawn split the older blondes face, his eyes dropping shut as he got more comfortable on the cushions.  "I trust you, bro." Takeru turned his eyes away, lids dropping as he heard the last few words of his brother. Trust...best friend ... no secrets between them. How could he say that!? He felt tears prick his eyes, Yamato trusted him and he...he simple kept it a secret, that he was in love with him, did not share with him his thoughts and betrayed the others trust. Best friends...best friends should share everything, shouldn't they? And may...may Yamato at least would understand, if he did not understand no one else would... And if not... At least the hope would be crushed, the hope that Matt may loved him back. He took a shuddering breath, his fingers digging into the cushions of the chair, his eyes still fixed onto some point in the distance, he did not want to see repulsion on the others beautiful face. The point of no return. "Matt..." He barely recognised his own voice, it sounded so small, unsteady and fragile in the silent room. "I...I have to tell you something." ' Please, please. Don't hate me. Don't condemn me. Love me still. I don't want to loose you. I love you.' Past the point  Of no return The final threshold – The bridge is crossed So stand and watch it burn... We have passed the point Of no return "I am in love with you." I think nearly everybody knows this feeling, to tell the one dear to your heart how you feel. This one moment, a feeling of freedom, like a weight is lifted from your shoulders, and at the same time the one of dread, fear. It is like jumping of a cliff, not knowing if somebody is going to catch you before you hit the ground. And it drags on...and the fear grows as the silence is not broken, just my ragged breathing and the images on the TV mocking me in their mute happiness. No answer from Yamato. Not a single indication that he even noticed my declaration.  No words of understanding, none of rejection too. Just this endless silence that is tearing me up inside, slowly killing me. Say something...anything. Even if it is that you are disgusted, that you hate me! But please...don't ignore me! I feel tears welling in my eyes as I turn to face him, an excuse already forming on my lips. I want to make it right again, tell him that it was a stupid joke, anything, just that he wont ignore me anymore. The words die on my lips as I see him, lying there on the couch... Asleep. He...he slept through my love declaration!?!?  I tell him I am in love with him and he falls asleep? Alright...his concert was tiring, but couldn't he have the decency to stay awake a while longer? I feel angry...and at the same time I am relieved. Relieved of my burden, that my secret is out, even if he has not heard it, and at the same time that he does not know that I love him.  That I am not rejected. "I love you, Yamato." It feels good to say it out loud, even if it falls on deaf ears. I feel a smile tugging my lips upward, as I stand up and walk over, going to my knees next to him. He is so beautiful. Hair spread around him like a halo, his face even paler than normally in contrast to the black silk it rests on, only his cheeks touched with colour, long lashes painting half-moon shadows on them. I touch two fingers to his lips, velvet soft, moist breath against my skin. He does not stir, breathing even and deep, undisturbed. Even as my lips take the place of my fingers. At least as you sleep...I can play make believe that you love me too. 


End file.
